can you believe it? it's been two years since we've met. is it crazy that i want to go back to our first art festival. peep into your shirt to find your tattoos for the first time. watch us spin out of control all over again?

i never kept any memorandums or souvenirs of our time together, and i held back from chronicling our moments together. we knew we wouldn't last. i even threw away that yellow piece of paper covered in your chicken scratch, the one you read off of in june of 2010. but though the evidence is gone, the memory's been immortalized in my memory for so long. i don't think i could discard it even if i tried.

/ you command my hand to write
in the dark hours of deep midnight
your love is a love
a love like no other
wings of joy forever aflutter

fortune favors the brave they say
but my bravery could not convince me to stay /

it's been ages but thoughts of you still plague my mind. i hope you're safe and happy. my biggest fear of being out of touch with you is that something would happen and i wouldn't be there but, i guess even if we were in touch, i wouldn't be able to do much for you. all i can do is to think of you warmly from afar, and wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm (but most of all, when snowflakes fall, i wish you love).

:)

i still find pieces of your presence here
even, even after all of these years--

you're still laced in my words, my actions, my thoughts. invisible, but if discerning enough, one could pick them out. in trying times, when my own character falters, i think to what you would do. and each time this guides me to a plan of action i would never regret.

thank you d :)

i'm folding the teeshirt you made for me, and i realize that i've finally buckled. there's no romanticism left. no happiness. no warmth. just disgust and regret. this realization that you're not capable of loving someone or appreciating their love for you. this clarity that you can only see feel and understand yourself- your own feelings- your desires. i hate it. but i hate hating you more.

i wish i could continue to dream and believe that you're so wonderful. but i can't keep this delusion up no matter how much i want to. i can't remember two fond memories of you, and when i made that list of 10 things i loved about you i couldn't make it past number three. this is not some post-relationship brain-chemical-induced distaste that my body uses to assure me that leaving you was the right thing to do. leaving you was always the right thing to do but the sentimentality toward our time together.. made me appreciate you, and all that you did-- both sweet and hurtful. because they showed me how much you liked desired needed me.

but i continue to find another teeshirt. similarly colored. still soft after all these years. from my very first boyfriend. i don't know him well anymore but this teeshirt is nothing but warmth. and happiness. and gentle care. we put each other through hell, but continue to love each other as people. he is a good man, and that's one of those things that i have full faith will never change.

sigh. it's leaving time. all i want to do is simplify simplify simplify. the turning points between life stages are dismal. always. i fear it's going to be hard this time around with no one skyping my chinese cell every day of the week. no one vchatting me to see my new room in sf. no one worrying with me about the academic rigor of the new year. no one to tell stories to or bounce insights off of. but it definitely feels better to be unattached than to be attached to the wrong person. no matter how sweet, misery is still misery and this is a good time to take a much-needed break from it.

thoughts of a desert road trip, a himalayan journey, and a cultural immersion in japan are... overwhelming, but inspiring. i don't think it's a good idea to fit everything in here and now. i am only 23 afterall, and the world will still be here for quite a while. a journey is a good way to.. interlude. this dallas sojourn has changed me in subtle ways, but little by little-- i feel much much older than 21.

heart skipped a beat

but when i caught it you were out of reach--

i'm sure i'm sure you've heard it all before
the more i see, i understand but
sometimes, i still need you
sometimes, i still need you

sometimes, i still need you.

our love is a little hard to explain, and it's probably been dramatized and romanticized on both ends. this song reminisces of your warmth in the darkness and the scent of your candles. it's a little hard to breathe when i think of you still. what we had-- though dreary, unpredictable, and.. honestly defeating-- is probably the closest i've been to love in lifetimes, it seems.

heart skips a beat
but when i caught it you were out of reach
i'm sure
i'm sure
you've heard it before

freewrite.

2010.

two relationships. two break-ups. a trip to sf. one to colorado. another to puerto vallarta, mexico. several trips home, to ny, dc, and richmond. a weekend in san antonio. and a week of dallas with my parents. a spanish class, an interior design class, and a ballet class. one pair of pink ballet shoes.

a year making a home in texas. a full year as a working adult. a rocky year of dating... men? a sad year for relationships. a year of being 22, an awkward palindrome.

but i'm sooo thankful for so many things..

* jenn's arrival to tx. it's such a blessing to be in the same city as a good friend. dallas is a new city for me and while new shiny things will always hold infinite appeal, some things you just prefer old. and familiar. and trusted. like an old best friend < 3

* capital one! hahaha. as much as i hate on my job, i've learned so much-- about people, relationships, corporations, financial services, computer coding and ppt presentations-- from a mere year and a half of working. i'm so thankful for the advent of afsheen, paras, rakesh and the n00bies. they make everyday life so much more wonderful.

* shannon. i would not trade her for any other roommate. she's taught me so much about people and life-- about the difficulties of life, the importance of picking your battles, and the incredible ability to appreciate all the small things that make life wondrous.

* liu yang and awang. two of my favorite boys. i'm so thankful for their support and understanding. i love these boys to pieces and hope that our life paths will cross some more in the upcoming years.

* andy. for being so effing insanely and impractically full of wonders. for making me weak with love and desire. for being a straight-up superstar, at least in my eyes.

* dallas. for being big enough to never quit exploring and small enough to feel like home. for being humble enough for appreciation to grow day by day.

* my parents. holy shit. for being the best parents in the world. though eccentric, though slightly ignorant about the world, though full of personality quirks and fashion faux-pas-- they care more than any parent should and always have more to give than any one person has room to take.

* all beloved friends. for being bad-ass.

and as for 2011 imperatives?

23 is always what i imagined to be the most beautiful age.

so first to health-

to living in a fresh clean space- full of neatness, flowers, and fresh air

eating healthily and intentionally, and remembering the vitamins

working out and getting ri-i-i-i-ight ;)

getting a full dose of sleep every night

and to dancing... because life should be filled with dancing

to learning! via classes and internships and a new role at cap one...

via books and discussions and getting to know people

to making good decisions. and not hurting others carelessly.

to taking ownership of what i say, do and neglect to carry out.

to doing the right thing even when it hurts. so. bad.

to living a life that i can be proud of, that i can disclose fully, that i am responsible for.

to being a good friend to all friends.

to calling my parents often, because they deserve that and so much more

to working hard, pursuing lots, and taking a seventh day.

to not live selfishly. to not squander needlessly. to not pursue a lifestyle that makes no sense to me.

to engage myself fully, instead of half-heartedly. in work and play, in friendships and relationships.

to making 23 the beautiful year that i've always envisioned :)

sunrise in dallas 10/24/2010

(a frank description of observations and feelings)

it had just rained not too long ago and the atmosphere is filled with humidity. i am equally moist, wet-haired and damp-bottomed, having just gotten out of the shower and sitting on the wet steps in front of apartments 203 and 204. the foliage all around the highlands is still green and birds are still whistling clamoring chirping away on this late october morning. sounds like the rain forest in puerto vallarta. the sun is sitting on the horizon.

my parents are back in china, taking care of their folks. i miss my grandparents to tears and somehow feel like i've failed their expectations. the difficulty in aligning their expectations with the ones of my parents and the ones of my own has never been so salient.

the birds in the nearby tree are really going at it. i think one bird is getting ravaged by other, either in a fit of passion or violence. i'm mostly deaf from the wedding last night, but they are certainly being loud. crazy how the most manmade subdivision in the most manufactured suburb can have such striking sounds of wilderness.

these days have been filled with uncertainty. the unbearable lightness of being. i've been making some dangerous life decisions but if i don't start now, then when? how easy would it be to just go down the path of comfort and conservatism and end up like my parents. though, to be honest, their lives are pretty sweet. another conundrum that is difficult to reconcile.

the upcoming winter season will be my first in years where i am utterly and completely single. the thought is dreadful. my mind/body does not cope well in the wintertime. almost texted an ex this morning out of dread of a loveless winter season, but thankfully, my good senses arrived just in time to save me.

time for some breakfast, homecleaning, and productivity. tata~

i had a pretty creative dream last night. a little surprised-- my mind usually works in mundane ways. dreams for me are usually a slow succession of horribly uninteresting nonevents.

but last night i dreamt of you.

i was standing against a wall, eating yogurt, minding my own business-- like any other nonevent in any other dream i have. and then i got a text message. from you.

in this dream people had the power to make other people invisible, like i can make your existence "never show" in my gchat world. i had made you invisible to me. so while i was standing against the wall, enjoying my natural yogurt, you were walking by me, trying to catch my attention. when you realized what had happened, you just stayed by me a little. and sent me that text.

hi, you can't see me right now but i'm standing near you, if that's okay. i hope you don't mind.

it always seems like the alarm goes off at the climax of each dream.. but maybe it was my mind that froze. maybe at that moment, my mind just reached this impasse.. that it couldn't or didn't want to get past. maybe i wanted to stay frozen in that moment when i realized that we were close. drama-free. and together.

the half rule usually works for me. but from time to time, i relapse.

the mind is so funny-- it makes time move forwards and backwards and in circles in spirals in upward spirals and downward spirals and. it makes time move in all directions. directions that lead back to you.